A Motivated CEO posted this comment to my last post:
I can definetly say that “Keep it moving” is a quote I live by. Just like “live in the moment” is. Still havent figured out how to stay in the moment..
As I read this topic, a magnifying glass was placed on my current situation. I’m unfortunately In love with my good friend. I told my self that as long as I “live in the moment” things will be fine. No expectations, no drama, just enjoying one another. Well this worked for a little while but the more time we spend and the closer we get the more curious I am about who else he may be involved with. Now as friends we can talk about pretty much anything but this topic has been very uncomfortable for me to address. Why, well because I didnt want the answer to that question. Well curiousity kills the cat they say. I got the answer to my question. It was what I expected but honestly I have no right to be upset because of the “No expectation” rule I set. Now that I have the answers I have to decide what I want ultimately and if the current situation fits into that. I know it doesnt but I dont know how to just let go..
Hon, I think you do know, you are just holding yourself back from what you don’t want to do.
Stay In The Moment
Staying in the moment is very hard to master and it takes constant practice. Your mind is used to just running off on its own without you steering its course. Its not something I currently have total control over, but the more I bring my mind into the present moment, the easier it becomes the next time I try. Here’s what I do: say I’m driving, or washing dishes, or talking on the phone. Whatever current physical action I’m doing becomes automatic and my thoughts drift into either beating myself up for something that already happened or worry about something that’s yet to happen. I ‘catch myself’ in these thoughts, literally hearing what these thoughts are and reminding myself that these thoughts serve no purpose for me – in fact, they make things worse. Then I notice and stay focused on my physical actions: the feel of the hot soapy water on my hands; the way my fingers grip the leather of the steering wheel; the words the person is saying to me on the phone; and other physical sensations around me, such as aromas, sounds and textures.
At first, like I said, this is very difficult. Just keep doing it. You might be alarmed by how often you have to do it in the course of a day, because it seems like as soon as you refocus your thoughts, they start to wander again. This is normal. Your mind is a tool that is looking to be occupied, and if you’re not currently solving a problem then it will devise one for itself to solve.
Hearing Tough Answers
Somewhere deep inside, I believe you knew the answer to the question you wanted to ask your friend. That’s why you didn’t want to ask. You had already figured it out (perhaps the signs that he was seeing someone were pieced together as one of those problems your mind gave itself to work on); but actually hearing confirmation that it was true was hard for you. I’m not blaming you for doing that because its very hard to be disappointed romantically. BUT – realize that you were not being honest with yourself. Because you knew the truth but didn’t want to accept it. Avoiding having that conversation wasn’t going to change the answer… and you knew that.
The best thing we can do in those situations is just take it on the chin. Yeah it hurts, and I’m not minimizing the pain – but denying the truth and lying to ourselves is worse than someone else unintentionally hurting us.
You Get What You Expect
Now you stated that you set a ‘no expectation’ rule. I don’t agree when you also said you had no right to be upset that he is seeing someone. Your feelings are your feelings, and you have every right to feel what you feel. What you know logically doesn’t always correspond to what we feel, so you shouldn’t feel some kind of way about that.
However, I think you were again deceiving yourself with this expectation. Because that’s not what you really wanted. If you wanted to remain platonic friends, you wouldn’t have set this rule in place. Because we expect our platonic friends to stay platonic (think about the guys who are truly just our friends, who keep trying but we continue to shut them down… now that’s ‘no expectations’…).
Let me also say that when we expect nothing, we get nothing. That’s something for you to chew on for a minute.
You Already Know What You Want
So what is it you really want? Do you want a casual relationship or a serious one? Or do you want male companionship with no strings attached? Having a definite result in mind at the beginning of any relationship – friendship or otherwise – will help ensure that you get what you want. In your situation if you know you want a loving, committed relationship, then in your mind you must move on from your friend. Sure, you could wait around to see what happens with the woman that he’s seeing – but honestly, pulling out your toenails with pliers feels better than doing that.
You already know how its gonna go – every time they have an argument, or he’s upset about their relationship, you’ll hear about it because you’re his friend. And in your heart you’ll have a spark of hope that your time is coming. But then they’ll work it out, you’ll be disappointed, and the cycle will continue until they either get married or break up. Or, even worse, when he’s single again he’ll choose to only have you as a friend. Why would you do that to yourself? He may be an amazing guy – but aren’t you more amazing? Don’t you have more regard for yourself and your feelings than to hang your hopes on this one guy, who didn’t recognize what a valuable, beautiful woman you were? Or maybe he did, but he knows that your friendship is more valuable to him than any situation beyond that. Either way, you’re worth so much more than being in limbo. Don’t lie to yourself hon, limbo is one place it really hurts to be in.
How To Let Things Go
So from here, you know what you want, you know that your friend can’t provide it for you, and you know you deserve more than to be in limbo. You let it go by practicing staying in the moment. Don’t let your mind wander into thoughts of what coulda-shoulda-woulda been. Its not. ITS NOT. So when you feel yourself going there, focus on your physical surroundings and occupy your mind with observing your surroundings. Use your senses to distract your romantic thoughts from him. I KNOW its hard – we’ve all been there, but the more you practice the easier it gets.
I wish only the absolute best for you, with full confidence that you’re worth it. I hope you feel the same and are committed to achieving such for yourself.