From the Motivated Sista Mail bag:
I honestly wanna keep going but it seems am not moving at all. No matter what step I take, it seems impossible. I am a single parent of one, she’s seven and we’re doing ok healthwise which is a plus. I am employed as a clerk and I earn something that keeps me moving plus some lil loans here and there. I have tried relationships and nothing is working out. I have even tried the long distance but loooo. I am pretty and have what it takes but it seems men just want me for one night stand which is a minus on my side cuz I don’t wanna practice that. I would like to go back to college and continue with my diplomas and degree but finances on my side are kaput. Honestly how can you help me out? I try looking for jobs online and but nothing comes up….kindly show me how to start…..pray for me and wish me well dear sister.
My response: first of all sista, thanks for writing in. Of course I wish the best for you, and hope you realize that well-being is always flowing to you, you just have to let it in. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me and letting me add some motivation to your mix.
Coping With Frustration
The impression that I got from your email is that you feel blocked on all sides. It seems like you’re frustrated because you aren’t getting results in the 3 areas you’re working on right now – finding a relationship, going back to school and finding a new job. When you’re working on more than one major area at a time, you can sometimes feel overwhelmed by all you have to accomplish and frustrated by what seems like non-existent progress.
Have you ever watched a plant grow? I’m going to guess that you haven’t, because its pretty boring. You water it, put it in the sun, and very little happens. Then when something does happen, its a small little shoot that appears above the soil. Then more waiting, and the tip of a leaf emerges. After weeks of tender care, you have a small plant, and then out of nowhere it seems to sprout overnight. Alot of times our goals can be that way.
Just because you can’t see the progress doesn’t mean its not happening. How often do you work on your goals? Are you learning from the actions that don’t seem to provide you with results? For example, you’re meeting guys who aren’t looking for a serious relationship – how did those instances help you to change your dating strategy (i.e. start dating online, go to different places, meet different types of men, etc.)? It may be that you need to take a break, so that you can return to your goals fresh, rejuvenated, and ready to rock.
In addition, what activities do you do that make you happy? Happiness is the tool that we consistently use to help us reach our goals. If you’re happy, you effortlessly draw new men, situations, jobs, anything you’re desiring into your life. Its the frustration, impatience, and feeling that you won’t reach your goals that actually keep you from doing so. But when we act with anticipation of success, with happiness and with a sense of detachment, not only do we reach our goal, but more importantly we enjoy the process of getting there. Its that sense of potential that excites us, that motivates us to move forward and gives us permission to dream of how things can be.
A Delay Is Not A Denial
I know its hard to work on these areas of your life, to want what you want and yet to not see these goals manifest. Don’t be discouraged by the wanting and the striving. Its when we perceive that we’re being told no that we get frustrated. The only person who can tell you ‘no’ is you. For instance, say you apply to a school to finish a degree. And the admissions office writes and tells you that you didn’t get in. Your first reaction might be anger or disappointment. But you can also look as it as, that school didn’t recognize what an asset you are to the workplace, so you’re glad that you have the opportunity to attend a school that will adequately support you. Its the same with dating. You can look at those guys who only want a fling and be appreciative that they’re not in your life, wasting your time and your emotions. They’re leaving the space open for a wonderful, serious man to come into your life.
Ultimately, your progress depends greatly on your perception. You can assume that nothing’s happening for you, or you can assume that lots of things are happening, but you just can’t see them yet because they’re under the surface. I encourage you to continue to water the goals you’ve planted and take time for yourself when you need a break. Do more things to bring you joy on a daily basis and don’t dwell on what you perceive as negative situations. And I wish all the best to you.